Practicing Pause

In Slow Mo

I was writing something totally different just a few moments ago. It was a story about when I was a child, I’d been hit by a car. I was thinking about the moment I was hit and all the things that happened around it. Hey, I am ok (I think), and this was a very long time ago. As my kids tell me in the 19’s.

What I was thinking about today and I wanted to share with you is this concept of pausing in the face of an emotional event. I’ve been learning about this practice recently and I’ve had some time and opportunity to study it while actively being my “highly reactive” self. Through reading, and some reflection, I decided to start practicing it and see how and if I could make it work in my life. If you go online and search for “practicing pause” or something like it, you’ll find plenty of posts about it, but I’ll focus on something more specific.

I am in a meeting at work and one of my peers says something inflammatory about or to my team. I can feel the rush of energy and adrenaline, my head is filled with words, and I can’t wait to leap in and punch them in the face with every ounce of energy I have. This person is an asshole, has been and plans on being one indefinitely. There are no hearts or minds to win over when you are dealing with the ass end of another human being. I have no choice at this moment, all the reasons are there to blast them and I know no matter what happens, I am in the right for it. My team will also be better off because they know that I will protect them from assholery. I will also win because I am right, and they are wrong. As you know, right always wins.

Historically speaking, I have been successful by doing something like this, but it has always come at a cost. I didn’t make space for a positive outcome for all of us including that person. I didn’t make or have time to think through the implications. I spent a lot of energy. I still felt upset overall, even though zapping the hell out of them felt good for the moment. I also didn’t take time to understand their point of view and show them kindness in this situation. I won the battle, but I won, not WE but ME.

I still believe there is right and wrong. I have values and these are clear. If I am living up to my own values, I’ve concluded that even in specific tricky situations, I can choose to at least attempt a more thoughtful and beneficial outcome.

How do I do this in the heat of the moment?

What does thoughtful mean?

What does beneficial mean?

What about my feelings?

Why should I make all the sacrifices?

Yeah, I’ve thought about this too.

In the practice of pausing, in this same type of situation and scenario, here is what I have chosen to do and some of the outcomes.

The person starts with their poking and prodding behavior. I can feel the energy increasing.

yeah, I’d say this is about right..

What to do what to do..

In the moment, I start feeling the energy increase. I consciously put my feet firmly on the ground. I take a breath and I start to slow things down. Time stops for no person but how I react through time is my choice and through my lens. For me, in this moment, things are starting to slow, even if they are speaking and the conversations continue, I am actively holding time hostage and taking it for what I need.

Breathing, pushing on the floor, thinking about my reaction. I say to myself now “Hey, I am sort of like Neo in the matrix, the word bullets are flying but I can just pull them out of the air or stop them completely, this person has no power over me.”

I assume and take control of my reaction and choose where I am going to place my energy.

I may still defend my team and speak up for what I believe is right, but I can do it in a thoughtful way. I can do it without expending all the energy and without losing myself.

Same thing could be said when I am at home.

Kids didn’t do what I asked…….. Anger building, rage forming… explosion pending… ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

or ..

Recognize I am feeling frustrated, I don’t feel heard. I don’t feel respected. Slow down, bring it to a moment and breathe.

Me: “Hey, did you hear me ask you to take out the garbage earlier”?

Kid: “yeah”

Me: “What happened”?

Kid: “I was busy playing a game.”

With the pause, I can think about what I want to achieve vs how I feel in that moment.

Me: “Would you please take the garbage out now”?

Kid: “yeah”

Me: “Thank you”

I want to achieve my immediate goal and create space for a conversation later. I practice pause to create this space for both right now and a calm conversation when the time is right to talk about all aspects of helping around the house and responsibilities without Mr. Furious banging on their door.

Recently, I realized I am faced with all sorts of events and opportunities to slow things down and pause. It is becoming a skill through practice. I can’t say that on day one of this that I could keep it all together through every part of an event, but I am much better today than I was before.

I am also finding that when I create space between my reaction and the event, I can reflect to see if I did anything to create the event or if I could still help possibly create a positive outcome. Because I didn’t react and I created space, the person or people had no idea how I felt, and this creates opportunity for me to approach them in a different way next time.

Answering

The answer to my own questions:

How do I do this in the heat of the moment?

Start with being aware of how I feel. From here, breathe and ask myself to slow things down.

What does thoughtful mean?

Taking the time in the moment to think about the implications and consequences of my actions. Weigh out risk and desired outcomes.

What does beneficial mean? What do I hope to achieve?

Ask myself what I want out of this moment.

What about my feelings?

Realize that my emotional feelings are temporary, and I can center myself and feel better in the long run for not going off the handle.

Why should I make all the sacrifices?

If I am reckless in my response, I have already made a sacrifice. If I am thoughtful, we can all benefit together. If I don’t pause, I spend all my energy in one place.

I think of this as being in a casino. Everywhere we go there is risk but at some tables, there is less risk.

If I am betting all my resources at one table, I lose it all in one shot.

Even if I win, I might find myself back at the table losing.

If I am thoughtful and mindful, I could minimize my risk. Maybe, I just watch. Regardless, I am not just throwing it all to the wind because of how I feel for one moment.

If none of this works… sometimes…. its ok .. to

PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE 🙂