My mother is gone but her memory brings both happiness and great sadness to me. One thing that continues to haunt me is the fact that she left so many things open ended when it came to herself. She was willing to do hard work, research and pour all of her life energy into other people but she was unwilling to work on her own needs.
It is not easy to solve other people’s problems especially since you must convince the person that they have a problem and that you know some solution. I am thinking about people going to the doctor who is smoking a Camel cigarette and drinking a large bottle of scotch while advising them to avoid drinking and smoking.
Mom had some magic in the department of convincing people that she knew how to help them. Her confident tone, her knowledge, her ability to convince people through charisma and energy. It was a superpower, but it was also avoidance.
In a recent post on Linkedin, I wrote that “we have a choice.” Many of us have choices but we avoid the act of choosing. We may decide that we want to do something, but we just don’t do anything. This leaves us in the same place of misery. For my mom, she wanted to leave Coop city, she wanted to leave New York. More toward the end of her life, she started to make moves but by then, she was physically compromised.
Over the years, I myself had a propensity to wait or choose not to choose. There were spurts and occasions that I would take a leap, but these were very difficult for me. When I joined the Navy, I made this kind of leap but even then, I was thinking that I was doing it for her in some way. If I left home, it would make it easier for her to take care of herself. That was my line of thinking as an 18 year old kid. Changed my life and didn’t help her too much at all.
I am assuming these kinds of decisions are difficult for most people. The difference is taking that choice, taking that ownership and doing what you must do for yourself. Not for someone else but for YOU.
THIS YEAR, I reduced distractions, turned off television, even limited my time in helping people. I started to think deeply about what she did and how easy it is to get lost in the troubles of other people. I know the quick fix and solution as well. Someone else’s problems are so much easier to resolve than my own.
What I have learned from her about this topic.
The world has kind people. They are “helpers,” they muddle about mostly quiet just doing their helpful, purposeful business. Some people are willing to give everything to help others. Some people have purpose through helping others and that is their driving motivation.
Some people are willing to take everything that someone else is willing to give. As we have seen in recent history, people are willing to take the lives of others without care.
It is reasonable to help people but not at the cost of losing yourself and everything just because you feel purposeful in that journey.
People love a good show and they love stories especially if that story has depth and meaning. What makes us different than all the other animals is our story. We can tell it, we can share it, we can feel it. She was good at pulling out the story. While she was not the best listener, she was one of the best people to engage other people.
I wish that she had spent more time helping herself. If she did, maybe I could call her today and talk about the weather but I can’t. Not in this universe and for this, I miss her terribly.
Consider please deciding and acting to help yourself. Take the action, do the thing, and live your best life~!