Flu and..

Hello .. thanks for coming back and reading my post. I invite you to share your thoughts and ideas with me as I am thinking through some interesting concepts. Today’s post is about both the underlying battles people may have within themselves (like I do) and a connection to purpose for whatever the reason that you or I require or desire it.

While a state of happiness is not always a desired state, the bridge to a peaceful existence has some form of happiness, purposefulness and flow. If happiness is what you are after, it comes with sadness and pain. These things aren’t disjoined but if peace is what you are after, this is an investment in harmonizing oneself and finding your flow. This post goes into my very recent battle with the flu. What I learned and what I am still trying to navigate.

This past week started off with a spiral of sickness. Starting on my birthday, I had the flu or something like it. A few short coughs turned into over 60 hours of being bedridden with most of these hours being extremely uncomfortable. As I descended into what I would consider a state for healing, my mental status and visions were not friendly. It was almost like my inner guard was down and out for a smoke break which allowed the more rudimentary mind to take space in whatever barely conscious brain I had. It was scary, it was difficult and I didn’t understand why I was facing a mental crucible at a time where I was fighting to breathe through a small straw while feeling chills but being too hot at the same time.

Initially, whether I could or couldn’t get comfortable with my physical position, it didn’t matter because I could barely move. The room was moving, I was nauseous, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. As I was in and out, I was lucid dreaming. I was dreaming about things that were initially unfamiliar like negotiating with men in the mafia on different types of shapes and trading the shapes with others. Hours would pass and I knew a lot of what was going on while in this state and of course there isn’t much to remember about it now. The next day or so was all about work. Whatever I was doing, it was failing. I was failing to achieve whatever this thing was or wanted from me. I would wake up from time to time but it would not allow me to get to anything other than this work thing. This lasted for what could have been 20 hours or more. I transitioned from here to the darkest memories I had. It was like something went deep down into areas that I’d either forgotten or wanted to forget and brought this right to the top. These memories were attacking my brain in the same way my body was feeling attacked by this virus.

There were moments now after 30+ hours that I could wake up at least for a little while and drink something but sitting up for more than 20 seconds would give me the spins. By now, I had realized I probably needed to go to the hospital days ago, but I thought it was too late. Let’r ride!!!

As I came out of sleep, I thought about people like Stephen Hawkins residing in his own mind and mastering complex thoughts and ideas. At the same time, he was trapped. I felt trapped but I knew it would be temporary. What I didn’t know was I felt overwhelmed mentally and how to manage this as I was slipping in and out of sleep.

On the third day, I was restless and I couldn’t find comfort in any physical position for long. I came up with a pattern to move into three different positions. I would get from position one to position three through waking up by just sheer pain and discomfort. I didn’t win any battles against the darker thinking; I just let the thoughts flow and accepted them as a consequence of this situation. In the moments where I had clear thinking, I’d reconcile what I could and tried to start a chain of thought of something I am interested in. As I’d shift between positions, these were the moments of opportunity.

I thought, “did I leave these things under my mental bed”? I never forgave myself for things and I’d just didn’t remember some things but as there is an idea that “the body keeps score” maybe the mind keeps score as well. Are there things that are unforgivable? Who are you asking for forgiveness? Over three days of sickness with physical and mental transitions and shifts almost like leveling through a video game, I was at least recognizing to some extent what was attacking me.

The quest for peace requires us to deal with ourselves in the highest places of our minds but our peace can’t be built on foundation of empty promises to ourselves. When people seek forgiveness where do they go? Many of us go outside ourselves to gain acceptance and peace. If we can forgive, we can start the process of healing and if we can heal, we may be scared but we can attain a position where happiness is possible in a deep and meaningful way.

The underlying long forgotten things that I told myself I had gotten past; they were just there waiting for me to be vulnerable enough to bring up to the top. Teaching me that I didn’t forgive myself and that I was in pretty bad shape which was a good time for me to kick me while I was on the floor curled up in a ball.

The fever broke and I remember thinking that it felt good to sweat. I was still moving from 1-3 positions, but I could get up now and stay upright for more than a few minutes. The thoughts had dimmed and there were echoes of different mental experiences I had.

Through this experience, I had new ideas and things I’d never thought or seen before at least consciously. I had flashes of concepts associated with mathematics and the edge of reality. These drove me to consider the underlying idea of happiness, purposefulness and flow.

As I am now about 7 days through this event, I have realized a few things. The first, is that burying something and putting it to rest aren’t the same thing. I have work to do on some things, and I’ll have to get an old map, a shovel and figure out where “X” marks the spot not on the hidden treasures, but the bones of those things left behind.

The second thing, it shouldn’t take illness like this to reset a human being but even with all the work I do, I recognize that more needs to be done. Awareness of the beauty of life and our purpose is great to realize through words, deeds and lessons of others but for some it may be more important to go through an event themselves. This may be the only way for them. Then and only then can they make a lasting change.

The last thing and probably most important thing was tied my more ethereal experience of understanding in some part what reality is. I am not writing all of that out here but after my experience, I went through a bunch of materials and literature which I’d never seen before. I took what I had written and lined it up with what was written across these documents and found them to be very closely aligned. I am trying to account for the fact that subconsciously, I may have seen something before, there are concepts that I couldn’t have possibly known. I’ve landed on “need more information” and I am working on learning more from here. Ironically, today I heard the NPR podcast which addressed the concept of “awe” GGSC-JTF_White_Paper-Awe_FINAL.pdf which now helps me make sense of what I am feeling about this learning and discovery.

I’d say “more to come” on this but maybe not. I really don’t know where it will go.

So, you know, I’d like to wrap this all up and share this thought of hope. Maybe it is possible that our world today has the flu. The body, the mother earth, she has good viruses, bacteria and bad. People aren’t an infection they are part of a symbiotic existence. When things become out of balance the world body becomes ill. Now, it could be physically and mentally. We should have a strong fundamental instinct for kindness, compassion and sustainment. We should be finding joy and happiness in the service of others, purposefulness and a sense of wonder with all there is to wonder about.

We aren’t doing that as a whole and we the body are under attack dealing with the people who do infect and cause damage along with our own mental ghosts. It isn’t us or them, it is out of whack. The “flu” of our world today. Maybe through this time of being down and a bit weakened we will all find the strength to realize that days will pass and the viral agents will run out of steam. Through this experience as we see our own mental flaws and unearth the things we buried but didn’t properly put to rest, we can unearth them. To heal we must stop the hurt. Lots of questions on what to do here and .. A lot of unknowns.

There is a gap here…. but

We do know that when people come together for common and moral good, we realize that we are part of a greater larger body. We can find our place and work as a team. We can find a path to peace and allow for happiness. We may also find questions and answers to what we are doing here along the way.

I hope the hard part passes quickly but I feel as if, we are on day 2.

I hope in some way this at least inspires some thought for you. If you have thoughts or questions, please reach out. Leave a comment or whatever you need to do.