Working Out the Anger

In the morning, I would hide under the covers of the top bunk, ruffling the blankets so it looks like no one is under them.  My mother normally stayed up all night and would fall asleep on the couch. She would wake up and yell for us to get up. Depending on the day, she might wake up and figure out I was still in the house. There were days that I didn’t go to school because she didn’t know I was still at home. We lived in a small apartment but my sister and I could figure out how to sneak in and out without my mother knowing. 

Some days she would figure out what I was doing and she would get very angry. She would yell and scream literally shaking the rebar enforced concrete of the building. Her anger came from a place that was deep within her. When something triggered her, it was like everything she was angry about came out. It never felt like the “one” thing she was angry about was the only thing. 

I used to joke about how the anger lived in jar on the shelf, take the jar, open it a little and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, and close it up, put it back on the shelf. 

All that anger trapped in that little jar.

If that were true, I think my mothers anger was probably trapped in the “Dr Who” jar which was a “Tardis” of sorts. If you don’t know the reference, it means inside the jar would be another dimension where space and time are much different, allowing for her anger to expand a great distance.

It felt that way at least to the child version of myself. She had as much love as she did anger but the sheer power of it was frankly astonishing.

Back to the yelling and screaming, I needed to get to school, maybe I missed the bus and she had to take me or maybe I was able to go on my own (things were different back then with kids going to school on their own). 

In the afternoon when I came home, I wasn’t afraid to open the door or concerned about her being angry because by that time, she was always cool. She closed that jar, put it on the shelf and was no longer angry. I think she did account for what I did but for that afternoon, she’d be over it.

As I am thinking about her now, I really miss her. As years went by and things became more complicated, her anger grew. I wasn’t hiding in my bed and getting caught but I was growing up and doing things she didn’t want me to do. She wanted to help me and provide direction, guidance and instruction, but I wanted to learn on my own. I know she meant well but it wound up that she would continue to develop more anger and frustration. 

My mother was a good person, a loving person, a kind person and she cared about the world, she cared about her children and her family. The best way to describe her ability to convey energy and emotion was immense, heavy and so powerful that it could pass through your physical person and touch your soul. Do you know what I am talking about? Something that reaches past the physical into the core of who you are and engages that part of you. 

Have you ever felt something like this from music? The energy or the sadness? I am talking about something very similar to this. 

So, here we are, for me it is a Sunday morning, I am thinking about my mother and listening to music that drills holes in the heart. It is the last day of the year and for some reason the number one thing on my mind is anger. 

I’d like to say to you that I can easily let my anger go. It is such a relief when we let it go and we are in a peaceful place. Anger is destructive. There are times that we should be angry for sure but if we let the anger overtake everything, it can consume and destroy us both individually and as a body.

Do we all have jars of anger? 

What does it really take to let anger go? Should we let it go? Should we keep it on a shelf? Should we manage it? 

Most people would say that we should not keep anger. Ron B posed a perspective this week which was dervied from a Richard Rohr post. He said “What caused our anger is the bottomline for us…is it truly injustice or our egos”?

Look at the world today, it is full of injustice and angry people trying to balance a scale. 

What scale(s) are they trying to balance?  Mostly their own.

What caused our anger? 

This is the bottomline for us. 

Reaction to something, fear of something, frustration about something, intrapersonal conflict, disagreement, disrespect, betrayal or self destruction. 

What caused your anger?

What has become clear to me is that many of us in society, in the world and as individuals are losing our ability to take our jars (if we have them) and put them on a shelf. As I mentioned, in the early years with mom, she could take her anger in the morning, account for it, learn and set it down by the afternoon. I’d like to acknowledge that forgiveness or the idea of letting go of something is different than putting it in a jar and retaining it.

At the same time, I must acknowledge, accept and understand that some people cannot and will not do this. They will hold it and they will not let it go. I think there are some circumstances where this results in intractable conflict.

I believe if ma had chosen to hold on to some things and let others go, it would have been different. I mean to say, kept a jar but not sought to keep everything. I think that’s where things went wrong. She wanted to hold onto it all. Even with her jar being capable of holding it all, it was not healthy for her to seek to manage it all.

From Ma to the World

Where are we at the very end of 2023? The intersection of right and wrong, personal feelings about injustices. It seems to me that people have been making clear decisions on unclear data and information. Death and destruction, and what appears to be war and endless investment in the machines which divide us. Fueling anger and creating new reasons to be angry.

I know for sure that isn’t what she wanted for us.

I wish that we all could declare our anger and frustration in the morning and find peace by the afternoon. Although, if we did damage in the morning, we might not be able to easily recover and rebuild easily, the world is not a Jengo set.

In 2024, I am going to work on my anger for myself. I hope you also consider thinking about and working on your anger. 

1. Recognize the anger and acknowledge it. Identify where it is coming from and why I am angry.
2. Give myself a “time-out” which really equates to going from the morning until the afternoon for ma. Separation from the situation and thing that I am angry about. (some mindfulness)
3. I will not be a victim and I will not blame or attack. Instead I will express how “I” feel in the moment.
4. If the situation is bad or things can’t easily change, remove myself from it.
5. Stay healthy and don’t spiral. This speaks for itself.

Well.. I would have already gotten a phone call or text already. Both Ma and Andre made sure they’d gotten to us first. 

Both of them wanted the world to be better and they both wanted peace. I haven’t gotten it all figured out yet but I am working on it. I hope you do as well. From my family to you and yours, let us see if we can find ways to work through our anger and our differences, find a way towards peace and happiness and have a happy new year. 

Ma and Andre ~