A few months ago I wrote that clear is kind. I still believe it. What I didn’t say loud enough is that clear only counts if somebody is on the other end.
You’ve been sitting on something for a week. You finally work up to it. You pick your words, you keep it kind, you keep it clear. You say the honest thing.
And the person across from you is looking at their phone. The person is on Teams looking at their email. The person is distracted and not paying attention. The person is distracted and not paying attention. The person is distracted and probably not interested.
Not rudely. They nodded. They even said “yes.” But you watched their thumb move, and you know exactly where your honest thing went. Somewhere else.
Historically, I’ve been on both sides of that table. I’ve been the one talking to the top of someone’s head. I’ve also been the one nodding along while I quietly answered an email, so I’m not throwing stones here. Mostly pebbles. Small ones.
When I wrote the candor post, a lot of you told me you wished more people were direct. I agree. But I’ve come to think we don’t have a candor problem as much as we have a receiving problem. People are saying the true thing more than we give them credit for. It’s just landing on nobody.
Being spoken to and being heard are not the same thing, and we treat them like they are.
Being spoken to is words arriving. Being heard is words changing something. The person can say it back to you. They ask a follow-up question. They do something different on Tuesday because of what you said on Monday.
Most of us are getting spoken to all day long. Very few of us are getting heard.
So, what do you do about it?
Name the moment. I’ve said this before. I don’t love going into an office, but when I’m sitting in front of someone and I say “I need you with me for two minutes, this matters,” it changes the conversation. It feels awkward the first time. It works anyway. People will put the phone down if you tell them why.
Ask for it back. Not in a quiz-show way. Something like “tell me what you’re taking from this” or “what would you do with that?” If they can’t say it back, you weren’t heard, and it’s better to find out now than in three weeks.
Go first. If you want to be heard, be the person who hears. Put your own phone face down, visibly. People mirror more than they admit.
Now, to be fair to the phone people, there may be something on there that you need to see more than listening to me, but here’s the thing, just tell me “gimmie a min.” Because I know that I’d understand and that is less rude than you just doing it.
Sometimes we tune out because the person talking has been talking for eleven minutes and still hasn’t gotten to the point. Sometimes “clear” turns into a speech. If people drift every time, you open your mouth, it might not be them. It might be the length. Clear is kind. Clear and short is kinder. I’m working on that one too, which is why these posts keep getting shorter.
And sometimes people aren’t distracted, they’re overloaded. Everyone is carrying something. The phone is where the fires are. That doesn’t make it okay, but it makes it human.
Here is where I’ve landed. Saying the honest thing is only half the job. The other half is making sure it has somewhere to land, and being somewhere for other people’s honest things to land too.
So I’ll ask you.
When was the last time you knew, really knew, someone heard you?
When was the last time someone could say that about you?
Clear is kind. Heard is rarer. Be the rare one.
Happy Sunday.. Much Love..
Beep Boop