I don’t want your unsolicited advice
There is a narrative going around with people looking for work frustrated to the extent that they are telling other people not to offer help or advice. The scammers, the resume writers, the people who may have empathy but not experience. The anger and frustration are understandable but the call to action is damaging to the person looking for opportunities.
If you were looking for a job in 2004 or even 2016, the market is vastly different today. When I lost my job, I reached out to a lot of people. I had a very good network of people, and I have helped people through my whole career. Help didn’t look like I thought it would.
The people in my trusted network didn’t know what to do for me. If they didn’t know about open jobs at their companies, they didn’t go crazy looking for something for me. They didn’t go out of their way to help me. They didn’t advocate for me in any way that would put them in any situation that would make them uncomfortable or put their name at risk.
When I lost my job, I felt alone. I felt hurt and betrayed by the company I worked for, by the person I worked for who lied to me for years knowing that I was on a list to be released. I questioned my value and my purpose. I had always identified myself with my work. After all, what do you get asked at a dinner party?
I moved to NJ from Virginia Beach. I took my family out of a comfortable place and moved them to the unknown. It that long after that I lost my job. It had nothing to do with me, I was a casualty of an M&A but it felt personal. I didn’t have a strong network in NJ either. It was less than three years of being in NJ and most of my effort was dedicated to building the Lego castle that was destroyed in one kick and nudge. I was given an envelope, shown the door and they stole and lied and cheated and I had to suck it up.
The day I was released I was packed for a business trip as the person I worked for had zero consideration for me as a human being, he played me right until 8:00 am that morning. The illusion of being an executive with benefits and consideration because of my station or perceived value was shattered.
While driving into the office, I called my mentor and recently departed corporate leader. He warned me to be prepared and told me what to expect, which didn’t lessen the blow but at least I could see it coming. This is how he helped me.
You are Alone and ..
The reality of having no job, no source of income, and feeling overwhelmed and not in control was powerful and scary. I hadn’t felt a feeling like that since I was active duty heading into a dangerous situation. It felt the same, except, I knew if I died, it was just me, if I failed now, it is about my family. I can’t accept that,. I have to make something work out.
Whether I was truly alone or not didn’t matter because I know what I felt. I know what I could see people do and what I thought they should do wasn’t aligned. It took some time; I landed a job that I really enjoyed but I want you to know about that space between.
When I got home with my packed luggage on the day I was meant to travel but was released from my post, I called my wife and told her what was happening. She was shocked but she also knew that I was determined to find something and I’d do what I could. That confidence was helpful, but I didn’t even know where to get started. I got off the phone with her and remembered a friend was heading to a conference in DC. I called him to see if he had left yet and he was just hopping in the car. He said, “you are coming with me, let’s go.” He came down to pick me up and, on this day, I was now on an adventure to network with people I knew over the years in my knowledge management community.
People were kind and offered me their thoughts and shared sadness, but they had jobs and I didn’t. It was interesting to me that the day I found out the I got the job at Chubb, I was at that very same conference just a few years before. Now, the day I lost my job, I am back there in the same exact spot.
This week, I was talking with a very close friend about how it felt during this time. I was reflecting on a post on LinkedIn where the author wrote “your kindness and advice doesn’t pay my mortgage.” I understood what they wrote and the rawness of the truth. What was and is the truth?
You are responsible for yourself, and you are the person in the ring. Everyone else is a supporting cast member to the extent they see value in supporting you. Your parents may support you financially or lend you money to help you, your siblings may support you emotionally, your partner if you have a partner, will support as much as they can. Friends extended family and those you have not come to know yet.
Alone in the fight and people from various positions or perspectives, helping in some way. It wasn’t the help I wanted and sometimes, it wasn’t the help I felt I needed. I needed a connection to get me a job that paid me what I was making or more. All the other stuff about purposefulness and fulfillment started to dissipate. People offered me advice about everything. My resume was ripped apart by many people and in one case, I met with a person weekly to go over my resume. She refused to share it with her network until it met her standard. I appreciated that but at the same time, people didn’t give a shit about the resume then either.
Senior leaders over the years that I had worked with sitting in the highest positions in companies didn’t respond to my calls for help. They may have sent me a text or a note saying “that’s tough luck” or something but they didn’t look in their organization to place me somewhere. I thought that I did a great job for them, they told me I did, what the heck happened? Am I not as good as I thought I am or was?
Not Alone but..
It took a few weeks to realize that I wasn’t going to get help the way I wanted or thought it would work out. I thought, I would make a few calls and get going somewhere. One thing I need to share is that less than two weeks out, I met up with a second connection who owned a small company, and he offered me to get back into Chubb as a contractor almost right away. I said “no” given the circumstances but if we are being very open, I could have gone to work fairly quickly. I was responsible for the decision to wait.
I had a friend who owned an IT company. He offered to take me out to dinner and I thought, we would talk about opportunities. We went out and he offered me advice. At the time, I couldn’t understand why he didn’t offer me a role but looking back now, I understand more clearly.
An opportunity, the people involved, timing, luck and readiness have to come together. For some people, it happens very quickly, for others it takes time. This isn’t sage advice or wisdom; it is just rain and an umbrella. If you have an indication that it will rain, you can choose to be ready with your rain gear, and umbrella or a thousand other options along with NOTHING. You can choose to do nothing.
People chose to help me in the way they were comfortable. In some cases, that meant no help and in others it meant advice. The thing that landed me a complex mix of readiness and referral.
Crying, Pain, Misery and AI
After going through my experience, I decided that I would do what I could to help other people. My helping people is certainly conditional. I took every lesson I could from going through my experience and turned it into a list that I could reference. I started helping others with the conditions expressed. I came up with a few rules that I established upfront to set expectations. Beyond my rules, I also made sure they knew, they were responsible and accountable to themselves and that they could use me to help with accountability, but I’d never beat them up. Most people do a good enough job hurting themselves. They don’t need anyone else to do it.
Health, mindfulness, understanding what you want in life and work, learning, studying, networking and beyond takes a heavy toll. Most of the time, there is a lot of work, and the rewards aren’t always clear. It is a bit of Karate Kid “wax on wax off” situation. One example is that I ask people to do some work on exercises that help them outline what they want in life. Some people choose not to do this, but they get asked all the time from prospective employer’s questions that they could more easily answer if they though it through.
Sometimes, people just need to know they have value, and someone is thinking about them and that they are loved outside of the core family circle. No, my love for you doesn’t pay your mortgage, I get that. If you don’t feel cared for, comfortable, loved or valued, it makes it harder for you. Going into a job interview after a few sessions of kicking your own ass is visible. So, while it doesn’t pay the bills, it may help you realize that you DO have value and be confident and comfortable in your next interview.
Now, today, we are dealing with AI more often than not. AI to write your resume and AI to read it. It’s crazy town. In fact, people are writing and pumping out so much content about themselves, cover letters, AI, blog posts (including me), pod casts and beyond. It is over saturating the networks and creating a stupification never before seen in recent history. There is a very good chance that unless you know me well, you’ll have skipped past a ton of things I have written here. Why? Because AI could have pumped out 50 pages of Howie like junk for you to read or consume. You don’t have time for that shit.
AI is complicating things, networking doesn’t work with immediate results, job boards, references, referrals, and criminals looking to take advantage of you during this time that you may have some vulnerability. It sucks. All that while the world is going seemingly crazy, war everywhere, political divide and aliens are coming from Atlas.
The Light
I was going for a job interview with BMS at the time, my friend David Kestenberg met with me for coffee in the city. He was wearing a suit with a beautiful blue tie. I told him about my interview, and he said “hold on” 
he took the tie you see here as it is, took it unraveled it just enough and said, “wear this for luck, it always brings me luck.” I did wear that tie the day of my interview in person. Do you understand? The act of love and support was there but he didn’t give me a job. He didn’t close the deal.
My whole career I always helped people connect where I could. Over the past 10 years or so, I have been learning about job hunting and the challenges around it. I didn’t take an approach to make it a business. I decided to be someone that could be transactionally supportive. The nightlight in a dark room. I can’t get everyone a job and I don’t know every single situation and scenario. I have seen hundreds of people out of work, go through different approaches and land roles. Every single person I have ever encountered found a job. It wasn’t me that got them the job but maybe I helped them think about what they want. I helped them make a connection that led them to something. I helped them out of a tough day. Maybe that was all that was required. I know that is what I needed sometimes.
Public Pain
People are people and we have to recognize and understand that for MANY not all, it is about them. It makes sense, as you are the CEO of YOU and you are responsible and accountable and all the things for yourself. It may help some people to have others in their corner. For those that it does not help, crying in the public square is just a revealing expression.
The world is changing, the technology is changing, the way companies work with people is changing. All of this is true. What is also true is that people need people. People need comfort and love in dark times just as in good times. When people are in a dark place, it makes it hard for others to help them. People also LOVE winners. As any retired person that wasn’t particularly famous, they’ll tell you who stays in touch with them. Not many ..
Being a light ever so small or even a candle may be enough to help a person through a dark moment. People require both light and darkness to self-discover and create meaningful stories. If you don’t like my unsolicited advice, block me. If you don’t like my message, ignore it. For the rest of us, we have a responsibility to not only help ourselves but when we can, to help and serve others. It is part of being in a community and in the end, small efforts can have big results.
Thank you, David and the many others that have been in my life to help me through difficult times. I’ll continue to do what I can to help others as you have helped me.