Getting Old & Going Back to Where I Was

I didn’t write last week because I have been struggling with the idea of exposing my frustration.

I realized today that many people read my posts here and on LinkedIn and they generally don’t have anything to say or comment on. There are a few people who comment directly and the rest may tell me on the phone or in passing that they’ve read something and felt some sort of way about it.

If I were only writing for myself, I’d probably do well to keep a diary at home. I had to examine the reasons I write and what I want to accomplish.

In some cases, like today, I am frustrated. If one person understands my frustration, that would be helpful for sure. What to do beyond the understanding is definitely something I am not clear about yet.

So, here goes…

I started a new job recently and I intentionally and thoughtfully took a role that is much lower in the corporate pecking order. I asked myself the question “can I perform as an individual contributor without asserting myself inappropriately?”

To this question, I said “yes” because I would only be responsible for my actions and I don’t need to worry about the corporate or organizational priorities from the C- suite, the board or any major flag level type of person.

I was wrong. In the book Jonathan Livingston Seagull, there is a place that Jonathan soars from and to. If you haven’t read the book, I’d recommend it. Regardless, Jonathan continues to become better but through his journey he sought approval or he felt he need approval. He was bound by dependencies of this community.

As Jonathan continued to build his skills, he became independent and not reliant on what others thought of him. His happiness shifted from acceptance from the community to acceptance and understanding of himself.

I thought that I had evolved personally in such a way that while I cared about community that I could function happily on my own just doing what was asked of me.

Again, I was wrong. What I am learning about myself and the concept of community is that I do need a community that accepts me. I do need a community that understands my values and that I am personally not tolerant of living in a community where the rules and boundaries don’t align with my values.

Aside from all the things I could complain about relative to the work I am doing, there was and is one thing that struck me as so misaligned that it pushes me toward an exit.

Before I go there, I’d like to say that the people I work with on a day to day basis (in the trenches) type of thing are amazing. They are a gift to the organization and their loyalty, service and integrity are not in question.

However, if we know something is wrong and we do it because we are told to do it for some reason that will be in the category of “right fighting” it brings to bare a great burden relative to integrity. Does a person do what they “gotta do” or do what is right for the company or do they realize that if they don’t do what they are told to do, they will be out and the company will do what it wants to do regardless?

Yeah, standing on business may not be the answer.

So, someone passed away and I don’t know him but he was part of the team. On behalf of the senior leader of this organization an email was sent out that was basically a template with pdfs on grieving.

While it said “all the things” that are mandatory, it did not speak to that which is required.

People die, this is true but when you are in a culture and community where people have been working together for upwards of 30 years, we must recognize the bonds. We must recognize the humanity. This didn’t happen. Getting a counseling session with Eddie G from “U feel bad today.com” is wrong. The right thing to do is hard and they chose not to do it.

While I wouldn’t expect my peers to show up to my funeral today, I certainly believe that their connections were strong with their coworker.

I am literally disgusted because not only does it show how this company doesn’t give a shit about the people, it shows a tremendous swing in the corporate pendulum relative to “the human condition” at large.

Extreme outsourcing, extreme expenditures on subscriptions, extreme cuts, extreme unrealistic expectations.

A point to note is that this company isn’t alone in the actions it is taking. This is a virus that has moved across the globe through corporations and large organizations. While the community norms relative to the idea of authenticity and independence are perpetuated, these norms are only “ok” if they are homogenized and pasteurized to corporate acceptance.

In the same way that a manager can hand millions of dollars to a friend without consequence, the same manager can’t stick his finger in your asshole while you are walking down the hallway. In other words, a legal violation to one person is the Achilles heel but a murky gray violation that impacts the whole company can go unattended to because it doesn’t pass a test. Corporate stupidity that I could attend to if I were a “da da da di di di di da…”

I am not. I am not in charge and I chose not to be. I should not be concerned but just as the scorpion struck that toad, it is part of my nature to care.

I was not meant to lead here. I was meant to do the “thing” but the “thing” is digging holes and then putting the dirt back into the hole with no outcome other than we dug a hole and have moved the earth a bit to show for it.

The mafia of consultants and contractors love it because they thrive in chaos. They can see every wart and they have a solution and framework for every individual problem.

The senior leadership is stupefied by colorful PowerPoint slides that speak more to their personal ego than to the body of work.

The sit like royalty perched high in the castle. They come down to the heathens and common person with their chief of staff only to endure the pain of the power point show that informs them to whether or not their commands or wishes were heard and responded to.

They have no tolerance for listening and they don’t ask questions. They only speak to power and their individual personal knowledge.

The thing is, it works for them because they were able to negotiate a great contract and with it a buy out that sets them into a happy ending until they come to realize that money isn’t all that there is when it comes to commanding power and prestige.

I wouldn’t say that I hate where I am. I will say that I have now come to understand something about myself and what I am willing to do relative to what I need to do.

A close friend and I recently discussed the conversations we have with others when we say “I don’t need to work but.”

If you had a billion dollars, would you work? Many people think they wouldn’t. I am sure some people wouldn’t work.

For me, if I had a billion dollars, I would work for sure. I would invest that money in helping people and I would work alongside people to help them.

I do this today for SIM. I am a volunteer and I invest my time, effort and money to help. I believe in that mission and the leadership. I also wanted to stay current and relevant in the market as an individual contributor. Being on the ground and in the mix is always the best way to learn. Trusted Petty Officers tell no lies, only the reality which at some point can inform senior leaders if they listen.

I traded in my officer gear for my third-class dungarees. Now I know that I could never go back to the ship in the role of DC3. Now I know that I can’t go back to corporate as a junior individual contributor.