True safety in communication comes from a culture of respect, empathy, and mutual understanding.
Yet, there are intractable problems and consequences of sharing what you believe. If you have a strong opinion about something and you are firm in your thinking, what do you do?
If you acknowledge something in order to heal or move on, it may not solve a problem.
I was advising someone who presented themselves as suicidal with some options in a group post. The person said they were planning on killing themselves and they had enough of living. My automatic reaction was to give them the phone number to the veteran hotline.
- Call: Dial 988 and press 1.
- Text: Send a message to 8382551.
- Chat: Start a confidential chat online at VeteransCrisisLine.net.
After I posted this suggestion, I received a flurry of comments and responses with many people telling me that it wasn’t the best action to have them call the hotline. For the record, I still believe that it is the best action to call the number, but I did come to learn and understand their perspective. For this post, I’ll share one comment that was common.
I have a fundamental belief that people are trying to help suicidal veterans. What became clear to me is that I didn’t know all the details of how “helping” veterans works. If needed, they will take action to secure the person. Is that unreasonable? I don’t know.
Misinterpretation, Judgment and Education
What we think we know about something vs what really happens and or what the truth about something is may be very complicated. The more difficult a truth is to reconcile the more difficult it is to process and form a coherent and consistent opinion. This forces us to simplify our thinking. George Carlin famously talks about this without the humor. https://youtu.be/Q8BegL16UM4?si=6uADvn_hpC9Pl2Ud
As individuals, we may be able to have difficult conversations about intractable issues but as soon as we become a group, things become much more difficult to navigate. Communication becomes more strained, and we find ourselves becoming disconnected and distant which makes it much easier to dehumanize each other.
Think about people who fell in love with each other. They met as kids, decided to start a family and worked together to build a life. Over time, communication changed, they started to drift apart. They would talk to people outside of their relationship and started to align with others over the person they chose to be with in marriage. The moment that they decided to split and leave the home, the communication shifted even more, less communication with each other, more with others. In many cases, a line is now drawn, and the person you once loved with great passion, is now a person you hate with the same fervor and energy. Doesn’t make a lot of sense if you think about this from a general perspective but as you dive into the details and the complexity of abstract communications, it is clear as to what happens and why it happens.
How about the cases of admission. Note: It doesn’t matter how I personally feel about this topic, and I want you reader to know that I am not taking a position, I am sharing the problem with an example.
Persons who believe they are wronged:
I want you to admit that you wronged me so that we can move forward. I want you to just admit it so that we can stop the hurt, and I can feel that you understand my pain. I want you to tell me that you systemically and intentionally created the environment for my hurt and for the hurt of others that look like me whether it be my color, my choice in whom I love, my gender. I just need you to tell me that you acknowledge it.
What happens once this admission takes place?
When someone admits their wrongdoing, it is expected that we can see emotional healing, restored trust, better conversations or dialogue, positive change, validation and understanding.
Is that what happens?
More likely people seek restorative justice, there may be legal consequences or political implications, people may now judge you, there may be a call to action or maybe you go on a personal journey for growth.
If it is a personal journey of growth and understanding, this in my opinion is a great outcome. I think of neo-Nazis who previously never met a person different from them. They discover love, kindness, and kinship, change their view and grow themselves and possibly benefit the community.
If restorative justice or other consequences are in order, the question of admission may be equivalent to self-destruction. Some things that are stated to be “right and wrong” don’t provide universal justice and equity.
There really isn’t equity in our society. Equity won’t be achieved by programs designed to force people into equitable behavior or outcomes. If we learn anything from the more recent political situation around the world, we are not aligned in many ways and in many facets of life. Even when we do align, we still have differences in some form or another and these different viewpoints will tug at the fabric of our own outwardly stated values and principles. One example may be what is acceptable or tolerable in religion. A fundamentalist will have a different view than a liberal person and they may coexist in the same religion.
Ultimately, communication is fraught with challenges when it comes to addressing intractable problems or situations where opinions and values clash. When we speak out or seek an admission of wrongdoing, our expectations may not align with the outcomes, leading to more complexities rather than resolutions. This doesn’t mean we should avoid these conversations, but rather that we should approach them with a deeper understanding of their limitations and potential consequences.
While it’s true that programs or policies alone won’t create equity, meaningful change can still occur on a personal and societal level through ongoing efforts to bridge differences. Acknowledging the existence of diverse perspectives, embracing the discomfort that comes with difficult truths, and committing to growth—even when the path is uncertain—may be the closest we get to fairness and healing.
As individuals and as a society, we need to accept that complete alignment may not be achievable, but a culture of respect, empathy, and mutual understanding can at least help us navigate our differences. The goal isn’t to impose uniformity or a singular vision of justice, but to cultivate a shared space where dialogue remains possible and where we can address our deepest conflicts with honesty and compassion.
Happy Sunday
Part of the problem is our expectations. Ours and theirs. It is hard not to have expectations as it drives many people but what is the common expectations we all seek? That to me is where the conversation should start.